Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
