I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
