Your dad touched me again.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
