for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
