Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
