I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
