how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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