I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
