Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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