I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So many bounce houses so little time
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
