I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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