Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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