Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
