The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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