Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
