Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
