I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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