i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it hurts more in the daytime
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
