so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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