She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
