Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
