My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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