Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
