I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
