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wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
