Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
They took my balls.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just puked most of my soul out..
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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