Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
