It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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