this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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