So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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