Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
