I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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