I'm so fucking centered right now
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
