you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
