my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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