You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
