I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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