I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
