yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
