Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
