I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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