if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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