problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
