I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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