So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm really busy with my period
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