I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
