my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
do nipples grow back?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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