I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
