I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
