matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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