Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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