I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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